being single...

as da breeze of freash air pamper n kiss ma face i almost feel the benign presence of warmth around me, a credence of hope, ecstacy in my mind n a benevolent spirit yearnin to b free! i c faces, known n unknown go pass me, sm ahead n sm behind, bt m fyn wid myself n few ppl around me, helpin me feelin ME. i am not alone. smtyms, in the macrocosm of lunatic voices around, one fails to notice da concerning yells of the heart n wen dat happens, at the end of the road one finds darkness n confusion ahead n so gives up! but dats nt the way m feelin ryt nw. m all 2 wise fr dat. so, as i sit bak to wonder wat has made the difference, among all da blurring thots, da one dat seems pellucid s dat i am single. yeah, dats wat i said, i am f***ing SINGLE, baibey!

hey, don get me wrong. all dose charming definitions of luv u give me...m fyn wid dat. n also, dis doesn tk way any wisdom from da fact dat luv s life, dat luv changes u, me, everybdy, dat wid luv u truely understand da virtue of happiness, gives a sholder 2 cry, company to laf, blah blah...

i don possess da merit to belittle nebdy bt surely, do hav da courage n will 2 elucidate wat i believe. SINGLE- doesn onle mean bein a philander ogling at the gal in white t n blue jeans showin off her curves n a cute face wid long hairs, standin next to u, den flirtin wid her, okay if she falls for da trap, else havin wild dreams of her n searchin fr a new gal nxt de. no, dat's not dat. its much more dan dat. its abt da freedom. u don need to care fr nebdy, please nebdy, answer nebdy or hide nething. one fine mornin, i yelled at my own mom cuz she tried to belittle my romantic feelings. i hv seen dad's eyes of concern, distrust n confusion. n no matter hw good a son i try to b today, i cn neva change dose des. perhaps, dose des wre the impetus of change- change fr good. today, its altogeder a different scene. its lyk once bit, one hundered n one tyms shy. all dat matters s dat u'r happy. u wake up every morning, experimenting wid yrself, trying smthing new, not thinkin abt wat ne1 wud say. ur all for yrself. if u cant guarentee dat u ll b happy n b responsible fr wat u did everytym, hw can u make oders happy or tk da responsibility of sm1 else? n neways, hw can u nt get bored of seeing da same gal ova n ova again,everyde....Imagine! i c ppl carrying a tag in deir forehead, falling fr deir juggling thots of novice luv, makin a mess of things n losin deir rational mind....n i kinda feel pity fr dem. no, i don believe dat m not vulnerable myself. sm evenings wen things don go ryt, i sit wid my frenx tokin abt hw i wished i hd sm1 special to share my feelings, my joys, my sorrows, my achievements n my embarressments. bt few minutes l8r, i realise dat i ws doin jus dat. n dere r nt 1 bt many of dem.

well, m all 2 worthless at dis gals-department. i do a gaucherie of things, not knowing wat's on deir minds, wat to do wen, n wat de want to hear. so, i jus raise my hands n say," i give up!" Sigmund Frued once said," The best way n the only way to understand girls is by LISTENING to them." bt sigmund sir, dats again a problem, isn it? hehe...

m kinda homesick...

My shadow s way 2 fidgety, desperately yearnin 2 b free n smtyms annoyingly yells at me to shun my considerate n foolishly emotion-paralysed self. tym n again, i grab its ears n drag it bak to consciousness showin who's da boss around here! yet dis tym i wantd a cmpany n so askd hm 2 brng its ears closer so dat i cud tell hm smthng in secret. he does n den i whisper,"hey buddy, don tell dis to nebdy bt m kinda homesick!" a familiar voice answers me,"dude,dats 2 obvious.do u really believ v didn know?" i turn bak n c so many beautiful faces...frenx,family,relatives n many faces i didn even recoognise. am i dis naive at my privacy? doesn ne1 not noe dat m homesik? i felt embarressd. i yelld bak," don answer me bak, u nerds....grrh!!"

everytym wen m abt to go hm frm hostl frenx get me grounded n treat me lyk a baby born jus yesterde goin to cuddle up mommy in slo mo wen i reach hm lik dose old bollywood movies n lick lollypops sleepin on mommy's lap! suddenly dis makes me nostalgic. now as i sleep wid mom in da sm bed, i put my hands behind my head n resuscitate old kiddo des wen i used to sleep wid mom n dad. one leg stretchd to agra n oder kanyakumari, hands formin a viel to mommy's protruded belly,saliva makin da cushion wet n yawning as if angels demselves r embracing wid persian white peacock's feathers,least cared abt wat tomorrow brings...few minutes of mommy's aroma n da little kid s sleepin-dead!

bt dis moment nw,dis feeling i hv ryt nw, s smthng i perhaps cannot xplain. it smhw feels da same hw i did wen i missd home at hstl. am i missing hstl? v gossip,v complain, v curse,v abuse, v go on strike....on hstl food, water, rooms, electricity, da underconstruction building. v yell at our frenx wen room looks messed up, realising deep down dat no1 s no less responsible dan v ourselves, yell at bathrooms," abe saaley, undar naha hi raha hai ya aur kuch? ghar basana hai kya undar?", abuse silently while jus entering da loo flushing, 'dese filthy guys ll neva change! chi..." believ me, if u hv stayed in a hstl, u cn stay newhere. absolutely ANYWHERE!!!

bt all said n done, ders no bettr place dan a Hostel. seems wierd naa? i ll tell u y. or perhaps u noe it, dont u? FRIENX... its bcuz wen u sleep cuddling smbdy, u bcum a kiddo n da rest remains da sm. da legs, hands, sleeping-dead part, nt one changes. bcuz wen u cry, sm1 cries 2, bcuz wen u laf, u r neva da onle 1, no mattr hw foolish yr joke mayb, dose helpin hands, dose teasing, pleasing n all....every feeling wich onle a hostleite cn feel, cn understand. Hip hip hooray!!!

yeah it definitely makes sense, me missing smthing. surely, i missed home wen i ws at hstl. nw i am missing hstl wen i am home. or, is it dat m always missing home wen i am home. read home as home or home as hostel. its all da same!!!

i burn da languages to ashes...

i hav neva been a pigeon caged. ryt from ma birth i hav been a hell lotta places, seen a rainbow of ppl, been thru a summersaultin experiences of joy n disgust, played da part of a ametuer damning frivolous customs n da wisdom personified in making compromises, been in love n made sm amazin frenx. deres absolutely nothin more ne1 can aspire fr, in order to b wise while xperiencing new ppl. at da height of it all i was picked by ma tender legs n thrown away in da plc i am nw[hehe, no offence to da plc i am ryt nw]. n believ me if i cud b in such places m sure i wont mind stayin newhere in ma future.

one thing i hv learnt frm my experience so far s very crucial. i can sum it up in one line[ dat is if it fits..]in 2de's world, u jus cant tk a pic of a place n say dis s Orissa, or West bengal, or Mumbai. nothin or nobdy can represent a complete state or country. bt dis thot s wat s playin hide n seek in my mind. wen i c shiv sena in da news makin all da news n suddenly australia n pakistan n all da world s tain notice of dis shity crap herd of pigs[ thank god m nt a celebrity huh!!!] i feel hw meek n hapless v r. i am...

lucky r ppl who manage to b at deir birthplace fr a real long tym. fr me it was smthing i was tot since my birth to answer ma birthplc as bhilai,chattisgarh even tho as a sml kiddo i dn hv many memories in ma mind oder dan da moments de froze me n i gav a cute look at dose amazingly weird lenses. learnt telegu in vishakapatnam widout havin it as my course subject, learnt bengali as a course subject wich i struggled crawlin past da pass mark, learnt pure hindi in bokaro. well mumbai didn teach me ne language bt it did teach me so many oder things n nw dat i am in durgapur i realize da world s aftrall round!

few des bak i went to restaurant to order fr sm dish. confident dat i still hv da touch of da xquisite bengali i had durin dose 7 long years in durgapur in da past[ even did a bengali drama in a live stage!!! oh, who says being proud s a crime!!! chuk it, i am!] i opened ma mouth to speak. lik sm1 had pushed tar dowm my throught, i felt choked. i babbles smthin in bengali. da gracious person understood bt it was den i realized hw things change.few more des here n i wud mess ma little bit oriya i hav learnt in one year. ppl feel m a oriya-wannabe goddammit.hehe....wen i used to mingle sambalpuri oriya in hmm...[wat do i call dis oriya den!!! ok..if dis s pure oriya i mingle it wid sambalpuri oriya i speak at hm], smiles flashed wide in da faces around me. i felt cute to makin oders smile, i felt abused at my orientation, i felt as a martyr fightin languages...

well as fr me i wud make do wid english, hindi n cruked versions of few languages[ few des n ll master it n u cn dare me at dis!] bt dis s nt da issue. da issue s abt da pre-conceived notion in few ametuer minds abt da validity of a person in a state based on da languages he/she noes. hw far can v blame parties lik shiv sena if v dn hav strong principles ourselves. i noe ma words dn mean a thing bt i hv been welcm wid open arms whereva i hv gone bt it sure s jus a person's experiences. dere r many more!!! n things r changing...wen hv v eva seen debates on languages aftr da partition. v jus cant club all ppl in one n say de r so-n-so.

a special thanx here to all da amazing ppl i hv encountered in da past n toleratin my hybrid forms of deir mothertongue wid a smile. bt frankly i wish ma oriya doesn improve ne more dan wat s imperative cuz i don wanna be a jack of all languages n den, more importantly hp u ll rem'ber me fr da hybrid forms i spoke ryt?